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SPOTS Comments:

April 1 - 15, 2005 - Phoenix, AZ

Here are the comments I received from the SPOTS web site, folks from all over the US, Canada, New Zealand and Europe.

How the hell am I supposed to earn my nick - STAGGER - if I can only go to the Porto potty 2 times a day !!!!!!!

Do you have any idea how much ALCOHOL I have to consume to keep up my reputation as a sloppy late night drunk.

Do you have any idea how many times I have to hit the Porto potties, or fall into them, or lay in them, or sleep in them in order to keep up my good NAME !!!

How could you do this to us!!! I mean, as chairman of SPOTS you take  a lot of shit from other people, I'm sure. But this is outrageous.

You know what this is going to lead to don't you !!!!!

1) People going to the toilet together. Disgusting!!! And with the Pee Funnel camp doing it's thing those Porto's are going to turn into one big wee-fest with a never ending stream (pun intended) of people going in an out without closing the doors...

2) Doors.. hell.. they will just be ripped off. The independent people of BRC will just sit down in their new OPEN AIR Porto's and have lovely conversations with their neighbors and various passing voyeurs while they do there business. One thing for sure.. no more worries about running out of toilet paper... in the 'do-ocracy" of Burning Man I'm sure people will be glad to hand rolls back and forth between
Porto's with no doors on them.

3) Your KEY CARD system will never work. Nothing works for long out  there. What happens on the morning when 30,000 people wake up and NONE of the Porto doors open. Imagine the chaos as people run from door to door, swiping their impotent cards in non-responsive slots until suddenly the explode in an uncontrollable orgasm of urine and fecal matter ALL OVER THE PLAYA. I would not want to be a member of DPW then I can tell you that.

4) And $500 deposit on the key card. Who do you think you are kidding? This is an obvious ploy to earn money from the large portion of the Burning Man population who rarely have clothes.. and hence.. no pockets in with to keep their card keys. You will KILL Nudism at Burning Man... and if you manage that, then I don't see the point of me going.. or taking my glasses along with me anyway.

5) We've all had the experience of wading across the open playa in the night and stepping into a spot that is a bit darker then the surrounding playa, and rapid drying. With your crazy pan the number of these will increase dramatically... and the color of some will also darken dramatically, and stepping into them will become much more annoying. It's will be a health hazard, mark my works.

6) People will be forced to find "alternative" methods of taking care of their natural bodily functions. You can expect Camp Fecal Fun to grow dramatically.... donations there will outstrip water donations at
the Human Carcass Wash 10 fold.

I hope you will reconsider this crazy plan and let the people of Burning Man Pee and Poo with the reckless abandon they have known in years past.

I'll cut this letter short now because I respect your intelligence, and I really have to pee now...

 So...Do I earn the distinction of being first to "respond" to the SPOTS announcement? Had me fooled for a few minutes I'll tell you... Then I read YOUR name as the CFO - Chief Fecal Officer? - of the company...

Good webpage...

...fine news, fairly covered, freely expressed, foolishly read!

A recent search
for Scotto camp Daddy using MSN Search, and wanted to share the results with you:

Hi! I have some questions, but first I will admit I haven't made it out to BM yet, so my questions are not based on actual experience. Also, the content below is about bodily functions, so I apologize for any squick feelings you might get, I'm just trying to communicate clearly here.

1. will the key cards have a hole in them to facilitate hanging on a cord around the neck? I hear that lots of folks out there don't have pockets much of the time. Or clothes at all. :)

2. you are only allowed to use the key card twice in one day, period? Yet you are encouraged to drink gallons of water and piss clear - so there seems to be an inequity here, and I *know* BM discourages digging a hole and squatting, so where are folks supposed to pee the other 8 times of the day? I don't understand. I will mention that its a large percentage harder for women, because we have to have paper to wipe with Every Time, men's plumbing is just built differently. (Although, many men seem to be enthusiastic about the plumbing setup on a woman. grin)

3. women who are menstruating have special needs, those absorbent things need to be changed out frequently or it can cause Toxic Shock Syndrome, a real health hazard that can be fatal. Are you sure that twice a day is adequate for your users? It might lead to more women digging them out and changing them In Full View of the BM populace, rather than just leaving them in and letting them drip on the playa. Walking around a hot dusty desert environ with red sticky thighs are not pleasant for the woman, though, in case you weren't personally aware (I don't know what gender you are for certain) and red-stained thighs on women wandering BM might be a turnoff for many of the other BM attendees as well.

Great Joke! - I've received several irate emails on my local burn list since this morning!

Did you guys read what is said about the porto potties??? everyone gets a key card to go potty??? ok....I had no problem with that....I'm not doing anything wrong in there....but as you read on it says that we can only access the potties 2x a day?!?!?!?! what the hell?!?! I don't know about you guys but with all the water I drink out there I go 2x just before noon alone!!!! maybe I'm reading it wrong....hopefully i am! check it out and help me out! :o)

dude, it's April 1.

Please disregard my last post.....after reading everything, after complaining to my boyfriend, i remembered the day ;o)

much hugz and lots of laughs

Well, damn! I guess I should go back and really read it! I just looked at it and then got back to work....2x a day is no good! I agree with Ya there!

AWESOME gag Scotto!!!!!!!!! I know many that fell for it and totally freaked out!!!


I think those who need to relieve themselves more than 2X a day should get in the habit of carrying a piss bottle along with them and save the trips only when you need to do a dump. Maybe need to carry a pewk (sp?)bag with you as well.  I wonder how this will go over with the general population.

Good one, Scotto. :-) Hope you had a great Fools Day.

Holy crap, you guys can't really be that big of suckers. -And did you know that BMORG is coining it's own money this year for use at Official BRC shops. You can get all kinds of cool stuff like watches with the man's arm as the arms of the clock, and pewter "Man" statuettes. Plus, DPW (the goths of Burning Man) are having a flower show to raise money for their fleet of new hummers.

Congratulations Scotto! Had many worried posts coming from many different lists! Congratulations on changing the face of porta-potties forever!

Best wishes from San Francisco

At first I freaked out...only get to use Porta Potties twice a day??...but then I looked at today's date...phew!

Ok, did anybody else go check this out? Upon reading the full story, it says that we will only be able to use a potty TWICE A DAY... I'm a little concerned... what if I get the runs or something? Hopefully there will be a way to make a case for extenuating circumstances...well done scottobobscotto, well done indeed

Copyright 2005, SPOTS (Superior Portable Outdoor Tinkle Stations) This web site and any insinuations, claims, allegations and other statements contained herein are just plain FALSE and are only published as an April Fools Joke and is in no way intended to reflect in any bad way on the amazing services that JOTS (Johnny on the Spot) provides Burning Man LLC.  Site Design by Scotto